Just Another Marauders Story
by Severity
Summary: Poking fun at the cliche Marauder fics. Featuring: Angst!Snape, Travel-through-time-promiscuous!Hermione, Sexy!Sirius, Concience!James, Pimp!Remus, and Cardboard-Cutout!Peter Wo0t! COMPLETE


**Just Another Marauder Story…**

_Disclaimer_: Don't own it. Don't sue. Kay? Kay.

_A/N_: I wrote this based on a lot of clichés in Marauder stories. Some of it is just funny stuff put in, however. I love these characters, though, so don't go saying I'm such a meany to them. The OOCness is deliberate. It's meant to be AMUSING. XD

**Onward…**

Severus Snape was angsty. Oh yes. He was so angsty just sitting there at the Slytherin table, glaring at his eggs for no more significant reason then they were yellow. Really, he hated that color. And, as everyone knows, anything Snape hated (which was just about everything in the universe except potions and Dark Arts) earned the 'glare of imminent death' or 'sneer of very bad things'. Really, his face muscles just weren't capable of any other more human expressions. Even his beaming smiles looked more like furious scowls.

"Ey," Sirius stated to James, as the pair plus Remus completely ignored the forth member of their quartet Peter for some unknown reason, "Snivellus is pissed off again."

"So?" James glanced over to their nemesis' table to find Snape glaring at his fork now, because as everyone knows, Slytherins hated silverware too. "What's new about it? He's always pissed off."

Sirius shrugged with a completely jock-ish air. "Dunno. Felt like pointing it out for some reason." He blinked. "Habit I s'pose."

James nodded a few times, his glasses falling askew over his blue/gray/brown/hazel eyes as he did so. They did a lot of very odd things much of the time for no particular reason. He often wondered if someone was playing around with an Imperious curse. "You wanna drop a dung bomb into his cauldron during potions?"

"Yeah. Okay." Sirius replied happily, spitting out milk as he talked with a mouthful of cereal.

Remus glanced up from his Defense text, giving the two a very stern Hermione-ish sort of look. "What's he done to you?"

"Nothing." James told the werewolf before shoving a bit of sausage into his mouth. "Ifink nough ezists."

Remus scowled at that, having long learned to interpret gibberish from hanging around Peter, who always seemed to be cowering and simpering unintelligibly if he appeared at all in fiction. "Really, Prongs, get a new excuse."

James gave a rather stupid blink and then continued eating as if he had never heard Remus speak.

Remus himself was pretty damn sick of always picking on Snape, even if he was a Marauder and therefore required to do at least one prank a month or loose the little golden pin with a paw print tagged to his bag. He at least wished they could pick on someone new. "Well, why don't we throw a dung bomb into Lucius' cauldron? Eh? Or, some other Slytherin?" He shut his book, puffing up his chest since he was really on a roll now. "In fact, why don't we stop throwing dung bombs into cauldrons? I'm sure we can think of some better prank then that! I'm sick of doing the same thing every single day! The Professors are beginning to set their watches by us!"

Sirius let the spoon clatter back into his bowl and sat up straight. "I think I've had an epiphany!"

"You can't have original thoughts Padfoot, you're just supposed to look good." James told him, narrowing his eyes. "I'm the one who gets the epiphanies around here, bitch."

"What? Oh. Yeah- but- really Prongs, it's a good one!" Sirius was bouncing up and down on the bench with his excitement. His long black hair swaying from a non-existent breeze and making several passing Ravenclaw girls scream and faint from sheer sex appeal. "Please? Just this once?"

"Oh, alright." James said morosely, folding his arms and generally looking unhappy about it. "But I get the stunning good looks then."

"Fine." Sirius said, and the wind suddenly shifted directions onto James just as Lily Evans was walking by. Despite being a fiercely independent and fiery red head, she unaccountably and uncharacteristically swooned into his waiting arms.

James looked down at her face, where one perfect porcelain hand laid across her forehead, and the hormonally charged fifteen year-old grinned. "Wicked!"

***

Now, as Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail sat in the Common Room strangely devoid of any other Gryffindors (the birth rate for the house had significantly dropped in the sixties) Sirius was adamantly describing his idea. Moony was busy doing whatever he did in the library. Probably reading or some such rubbish. Point is he wasn't there. Just stick with that. "…and then I'll tell him to prod the knot at the base of the Womping Willow, he'll go down into the tunnel, and then see Moony as a Werewolf! Really, it'll be a scream!"

James tilted his head, black eyebrows drawn severely together in thought. Peter just stared at them stupidly, in fact, upon closer inspection by the author, Peter is revealed to be nothing more than a cardboard cutout. "I dunno. I mean, wouldn't Moony eat him?"

"Nah." Sirius waved his hand as if he could swat the idea out of thin air. "Everyone knows Werewolves don't eat greasy foods. Bad for their figures."

"Hm." James considered this point for another few seconds. "Yeah, but-"

"Look," Sirius interrupted, tossing his long black hair over his shoulder. A Hufflepuff happened to have been flying by Gryffindor tower on a broom, and she promptly fainted dead away. Who knows what happened to her. Although, she probably would've died from a fall at that height, ey? Well, like you give a damn. "- Snape deserves it."

"Why?" James asked with his head tilted to the side in question.

"'Cause, he's an evil slimy git- that's why. And," Sirius leaned in close, "Snape's a Slytherin to boot."

"True." James nodded. Sirius had a good point. Snape was, indeed, very Slytherin. After all, who cares if Slytherins die? Everyone knows all of the bastards end up turning into Death Eaters anyway. After all, they already have their Junior Death Eater League decoder pins. And, dear reader- let me tell you, nothing turns a person to the dark side faster than a Junior Death Eater League decoder pin. "I mean, he's a bit creepy, isn't he?"

"A bit creepy, yeah." Sirius said as he nodded emphatically.

"Practically screams Dark Wizard." James continued as he justified murder to himself.

"Yeah! He wears all that black! AND he's ugly." Sirius stated.

"Sallow skinned. Nasty temper. No lovable qualities there." James added.

"Oh, he's ripe for the picking James! Let's bump him off!" Sirius was bouncing around again, but in a very sexy sort of way. "I bet we'll get the Order of Merlin, First Class for it."

James deflated a bit, glancing at the fireplace. "I don't know." He said slowly. "Still seems wrong. Leading someone to their death and all."

"He was taking notes from Lily in Binn's class today. Bet he was hitting on her too." Sirius stated.

James' head whipped around and he narrowed his eyes. "Let's kill the bastard."

A strong, somewhat ominous breeze suddenly blew in through the open window, knocking the cardboard cutout of Peter over.

***

Remus, who had no knowledge that his bestest good buddies in all the world were plotting to use him as their murder weapon at that very moment, was walking out of the library with an arm full of books. The pile was higher than he was, teetering precariously side-to-side, so he couldn't exactly see what was in front of him. His super hero powe--- er I mean--- heightened senses (from being a werewolf- y'know?) were leading him safely between the empty tables.

Suddenly a blinding flash of light exploded in front of him, followed by a female screech, and a dull thud echoed in the empty and cavernous room. Startled, Remus threw his hands up to shield his face. Unfortunately, there was an eensy weeny problem about that huge stack of books, and so as he let go they toppled all over the ground.

"Ow! Son of a-! OW! Hey! YOW!"

Remus dropped his hands, and stared at pile of books strewn over the Library floor. Funny enough, the books seemed to be moving, as if someone or something was underneath them.

Well, that would account for the really pissed of voice of a girl, wouldn't it? After all, if a whole crap load of really thick books fell on YOUR head, you'd be mighty ticked too.

"Bloody hell!" The voice screeched, and Remus watched as a head of bushy brown hair emerged slowly from under the pile. She was-well-not really pretty per se, but since Lily Evans and those chicks that always fainted were the only other girls around, Remus did a double take and barely contained the urge to whistle and thump his foot. "What's with throwing the entire restricted section at-- me-- Professor Lupin!"

The girl had stopped in her tirade and was now staring at Remus with the look of a hippogriff caught in a lumos spell. That's like a deer in headlights to all you muggles out there. Anyway, the two were locked in this completely bewildered gaze.

"Who are you?" Remus asked, noting her Gryffindor uniform. He DEFINITELY knew there was only one girl in Gryffindor. He spied on the girl showers often enough. One would not escape his notice.

"Eh- why are you asking me that?" The girl questioned, sitting up and putting a hand to her head where Hogwarts: A History had bashed her pretty well. "And, wait a minute, why are you so-- young?"

Remus arched a brow. Looked like those books might have knocked all her marbles outta the circle. "I asked who you were because I've never seen you before. I'm young 'cause I was born fifteen years ago. Now, if I had been born, oh say, forty years ago then I'd be old, yeah?"

"Fifteen years ago." She said in a shaky voice.

"Mhmm. 1961." Remus knelt down and began picking up his books, stacking them into another pile.

"MERLIN CROSS DRESSING IN A TEDDY!" The girl shrieked, causing Remus to wince since his ears were so hypersensitive. "ARE YOU TELLING ME IT'S 1976??!!"

"Um," Remus glanced at her, "yeah. Did you escape from St. Mungo's?"

The girl ignored him, picking up a shattered pendant off the ground and gazing at it with quickly watering eyes. "Damn Malfoy, he tripped me and I landed on the time turner. It must have royally screwed with the time continuum when it broke. Sent me back here."

"Ah, tough luck that." Remus replied slowly, not understanding a word of what she had just said. He hadn't grown up watching Star Trek episodes, after all. "Look, do you need to go see Madam Pomfrey?"

She looked over at him with tears running down her cheeks, opened her mouth to say something, and then spotted the book he was holding. "Hogwarts: A History?! Oh! That's my favorite!"

"Huh?" He glanced down at the book and back at her. She seemed much more excited now. His mind, driven with extra hormones from his wolfish nature, quickly saw the potential for getting some. Even though he must have picked this one up by mistake, he nodded to her with his own sly smile. "Oh, really? It's my favorite too!"

"We have so much in common!" She declared, jumping up and (much to his surprise- if not delight) throwing her arms around him in an unnecessarily dramatic gesture. Cue the sappy music. "I've never known another boy who's actually read it before." She stated with teary eyes again, looking deeply into his eyes.

"Uh-" Remus cringed somewhat at the rather runny nose she sported from crying so much. "Right. Hey, what's your name?"

"Hermione Granger." She told him in a funny breathless sort of voice.

"Now that we've met, do ya wanna go make out in the Astronomy Tower?" He asked, already searching around for something to wipe her face off with before they got to serious snoggage.

"Sure!" She exclaimed happily. Then, a sudden cloud seemed to settle over her thoughts. "But, maybe we shouldn't. I mean, in my time, you're old enough to be my dad. It would make everything terribly awkward."

Remus definitely thought she was a nutter. Good thing a lack of girls overrode his usual standards. Full moon being so close, making him randy, didn't hurt anything either. "Y'know, I really love that part about not being able to apperate into Hogwarts. It's so fascinating."

Hermione gasped as if he had just hit the G-Spot. "Let's do it right here on the table!"

"HELL YEAH!"

***

James and Sirius were dragging the cutout of Peter behind them as they walked without purpose through the corridors. "Shouldn't we be in class or something?" James suddenly asked, peering over at his friend.

"What? James, mate, have you lost your mind? We don't have any classes." Sirius snorted. "Not like this is a school or anything."

"Oh, right-- right." James stated, nodding. He blinked. "What are we doing then?"

"Walking aimlessly around to give Remus some time. This is a PG-13 fic after all." Sirius reminded him, tugging on the leash that was dragging Peter along. "Plus, all my fans want more of me." He smiled brightly, revealing two rows of perfect teeth that somehow sparkle in an eerie Lockhart way.

As you may have guessed, more Ravenclaw girls happened to pass by, and collectively shriek before fainting.

James and Sirius step over the group while continuing on their rather pointless stroll.

***

Snape was currently skulking around the Slytherin Common Room, still looking angsty, and growling at assorted furniture he swooped by. Then, realizing there was no one around that he could glare in a menacing fashion at, he turns on his heel and heads for the door.

Remembering that idiot Lupin was often at the Library, he sets off at a jerky pace for it. Determined to intimidate someone before this fic is over.

***

Remus was busy buttoning up his robes as Hermione pulled on her shoes. She felt pretty bad about acting all whorish, especially with Remus Lupin, but then figured it was better than playing Quidditch in Bed with Ron. She finished tying and glanced over at the younger Remus, smiling slightly in that after glow sorta way. She had to tell him of her overblown teenage feelings, before it was too late and she went back home to that older guy with graying hair. "I love you, Remus. I'll always love you."

"That's nice." He said nonchalantly, running a hand through his rather tossed about brown hair. "I like you too."

"No," Hermione stated a bit louder, "I said I love you! Love, not like!"

"Oh." Remus blinked and glanced at her. "Well, that's a bit different, isn't it? I mean, sort of freaky, me knowing you only-" he glanced at his wrist watch, "twenty minutes and all that."

"But I've given myself to you! Body and soul! We have to be together forever!" She cried in a simpering way that really out to be pissing you readers off by now since Hermione is so out of character.

"Uh, yeah, whatever." Remus shouldered his bag, books forgotten since they no longer have a point to this story. "Listen, I don't date psycho chicks. If you wanna shag again, give me a call. Kay toots?" He clicked his tongue and gave her the thumbs up in that buddy Christ sorta way. Remember Buddy Christ? From Dogma?

"OOH! I HATE YOU!" She cried, reaching over and grabbing at a forgotten book and, in a wrath of woman scorn type anger, tossed it at him.

Remus ducked just in time to avoid getting majorly smarted. "See! That whole love thing didn't last very long did it? You really shouldn't toy with people's emotions like that. Rather rude. Well, be seeing you in twenty or so odd years." He waved, and ducked again, then strutted all pimp style out of the library.

Hermione just watched the door swinging closed after him. There was this huge gaping hole in her heart. It was probably the piece he had just ripped out, dropped, jumped up and down upon, spat on, picked back up, chewed a few times, spat out into his palm, and handed to her. She couldn't believe that Professor Lupin could be so cold, so callous.

Well, least it was a good lay. Strangely, his cruel attitude was nearly as big a turn on as Hogwarts: A History was.

Yeah, Hermione has some major issues.

Suddenly the Library door opened again, and Hermione's eyes widened in surprise. Was he already back for more? Was this all an act designed to mold her into putty for his pleasures? Did he know she liked the bad boys?

Alas, the boy that walked through the door was not Remus, but another very familiar face. Well, you really can't mistake that nose as belonging to anyone else, can you?

A young, twisted, still bitter boy with greasy black hair marched into the room and snarled. "Where's Lupin?!"

"Uh, he left." Hermione told the younger Professor Snape.

Snape blinked before his trademark sneer was back on his face. He then (surprise, surprise) glared at her. "Who the hell are you?"

"Hermione Granger." She told him, hopping down from the table.

"Oh." He arched a brow. "You're a Gryffindor?"

"Yeah." She puffed her chest proudly. "And a prefect."

"Good, good." He seemed to be considering something as he tapped his chin a few times with his finger. "Well, I suppose you'll do then."

"Huh?" She asked with confusion. Wondering what her Potion's Professor was muttering about.

He stood tall, bearing down on her with all the malice in the world, and got right in her face. As he spoke, spit flew from his mouth and onto her face, making Hermione wince. "I hate you!"

"You do?" Hermione asked, stunned by this revelation. Especially since he had just met her.

"Oh yes," he replied, nodding, "I absolutely hate you, you stupid little Gryffindor. I hate how bushy your hair is. I hate how ugly that color is on you. And, I really, really hate how you've seem to have popped up out of no where."

"You mean it?" She breathed, eyes watering.

Snape smirked, glad to have hit a mark and see tears sparkling in her eyes. Oh, tears were so lovely. "Yes, I absolutely do."

"You're so dark!" She told him, and to his surprise, reached out and grasped him by the arm, pulling him closer. "So angst ridden!"

Snape's eyes darted from the hand holding onto his sleeve and back to her face several times. "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Holding you close!" She told him, capturing his face between her hands and staring longingly at him. "All this time I thought you were just a very nasty, mean, ugly git!" Snape snarled and she blinked. "Well, I mean, you still are- but I see now that it's all just a cover."

"No it's not." He told her, scowling and trying to pull away from her.

She wouldn't let him budge. "Oh yes it is. I don't think you're really so spiteful!"

"Yes I am!" He shouted, scared now.

"Oh, don't you see! It's your way of dealing with all the people who have been cruel to you! Who have picked on you!"

"It is?" He asked, blinking. He then shook his head. "I mean, no it's not! I'm really just a bad person. Rotten through and through!" He tried again to pull away, but she was uncommonly strong and held steadfast. "Evil! I'm EVIL!"

"No, just misunderstood!" She was leaning in closer now, to Snape's utter mortification. "If you hadn't been in Slytherin, with all that peer pressure, perhaps things could have been different for you." She inhaled sharply and was now within inches of his face. "For us!"

"WHAT!" His eyes boggled slightly as she pressed herself up against him. She was rubbing, dear Merlin, rubbing against him. "WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

"Don't worry, Severus, I'll make all of the pain go away. I'll show you that love can conquer all!"

"I don't want to be shown anything! Hey-- now-- now just stop that-- what are you-- oh-- well-- yes-- I suppose that's alright-- yessss-- right there-"

***

Sirius and James were still wandering aimlessly around. Peter was making strange scraping noises against the stone floor of the castle as the cutout continued getting pulled along. "Why are they back to us?"

"Don't know." James stopped to toss a dung bomb into Filch's office before they kept walking onward. "Suppose it's another sex scene. Wish I got one with Lily."

"Ah. Think it'll take long?" Sirius asked as they both paused next to the picture of the fruit basket. He tickled the pear and they walked into the kitchen for a quick snack. After all, walking around with no particular place to go does take a lot out of someone.

Sitting at the table, munching on an apple was Remus. He glanced over and waved in greeting. "'Ello!"

"Moony?!" Sirius blinked a few times before tilting his head in question. "Aren't you shagging whats-her-name?"

"Hermione? Nah. She freaked out on me. So, I decided to come down here for a bite to eat 'fore heading off to the Shack." The werewolf replied, promptly chomping down again.

"Hey, if you're not getting it on, then who is?" James asked, tilting his head.

"Hm. Well. You're here, Padfoot is here, and Wormtail is here--- that leaves…" Remus' eyes boggled.

"SNAPE?!" Sirius exclaimed, just before making a gagging noise.

"Oh, boy that's disgusting." Remus tossed down the apple. "Well, on the bright side, least I'm not getting seconds."

James smirked and turned to Sirius. "I don't think it'll take long. Hey, why don't you hand me a piece of that pie while we wait, Moony."

"Right-o." Remus pushed over the pan of pie. Sirius propped Peter up against the table before seating himself next to James. They began cutting out a delicious piece of pie and quickly delve in.

Remus smiled at his friends, and then turned a bit serious. "While I was getting my groove on in the library, the two of you weren't doing anything stupid, were you?"

"Hmm?" Sirius asked, his fork pausing halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean 'stupid'?"

"Well, you know, plotting to use me in some evil scheme to get rid of Snape which will inevitably drive him to joining Voldemort's forces so that he can later turn and become a spy for the Order of the Phoenix." He took a bite of pie himself. "Something like that?"

Sirius and James exchanged worried looks. "Oh, not at all Moony." Sirius said with force humor.

James laughed nervously. "Really, what gave you an idea like that?"

"Hm. Yeah. Guess that was pretty stupid of me, ey?" Remus smiled at his squirming friends and continued eating.

***

Snape lay panting within Hermione's arms. "Wow."

"Yeah." She snuggled closer.

"That was-- wow."

"Yeah." She repeated, nibbling on an earlobe a bit.

"No, really, I think all evil has left me." He stated, turning his head to look at her. Dun dun dun. "I never knew that there could be good in this world."

Hermione sighed into his ear, causing him to shiver. That, or he shivered because he was still buck-naked in the drafty cold Hogwarts library. Ah- sorry for that mental image, folks. My bad. "I bet you're glad I'm a Know-It-All now, hmm."

"What?" Snape shook his head at her odd thoughts and turned back towards her. "Anyway, Hermione, I think I'm going to give back my Junior Death Eater League decoder pin. Turn over a new leaf."

She propped herself up on an elbow and stared down at him. "Really?"

He nodded before smiling up at her. Hermione nearly cried again, just from that wonderful smile of his. Oh, it was better than Lockhart's even. Who knew? Well, no one, since he'd only ever smirked before. "As long as you're always with me, Hermione, I see a reason to live without angst."

She blinked. "Uh…"

"Because of you, I have the strength now to tell Lucius and the others to sod off." Snape continued, oblivious to the way she was currently chewing on her lip.

"Er…"

"And, I promise I'll always put the toilet seat down." He vowed, placing a hand over his heart.

"That's all great, Severus, but there's one teeny tiny problem." Hermione said, still chewing madly on her lip.

"Hm?" He asked, snuggling up into her bushy head of hair. "What could possibly separate us? I never intend to leave your side."

"Well, see…" Hermione took a deep breath, "I'msortafromthefutureandIhavetogobacktherecauseifIstayherethentheentireuniversewillimplode  
andasifthatwasn'tbadenoughthey'llbererunsofHappyDaysfortherestofeternity!"

Snape blinked. Crickets chirped as he tried to sort out what the hell she had just said with use of his special Junior Death Eater League decoder ring. Hermione, meanwhile, was gasping for breath since she had started to turn blue in the face.

Finally, Snape seemed to have decoded her message (see, told you that ring was useful- useful for EVIL).

He gasped in horror. "Reruns of Happy Days!"

Hermione gave a miserable little nod. "Yes! I'm afraid our love will have to wait until I return in the future." Her brows then knitted together as she thought. "Or, rather, I suppose you'll have to wait the twenty or so odd years. I mean, I'll just sort-of pop back into time and you'll be there, waiting for me."

"Waiting for you." Snape said in a completely deadpan voice.

"Of course!" She exclaimed, sitting up and beaming down at him. "Our love is eternal! You said it yourself!"

"Well- yeah, but, that was when I thought I'd be getting poontang every night-" Snape replied, a dark look brewing on his face, "now your telling me I have to wait twenty years?"

Hermione nodded again, smiling obliviously.

"Oh, [beep] that." Snape said, shoving her away and standing. He reached for his trousers and began pulling them on.

"What?!" She screeched, in an oddly dejavu-like way. "But-but-you just said…"

"Hah! If you think I'm going to sit around with my trousers zipped up for twenty years, twiddling my thumbs, till some bushy haired know-it-all pops back into my life-- a fifteen year-old know-it-all mind you, then you're a bigger moron then Crabbe and Goyle combined!" He hissed, grabbing his shirt.

Hermione was crying again. What was with these guys?! What, did they think it was a free love fest going on here? (Author grins and tosses a peace sign out) "I can't believe you could be such a bastard, Snape!"

"Oh," he snarled towards her, folding his arms and glaring daggers, "like you really didn't know that."

Hermione paused. That was a very good point.

"Still! I love you! I'll always-"

Snape was waving his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah. Tell someone who gives a rat's ass why don't you." He snorted as he walked towards the library doors- shaking his head at her stupidity. "Twenty years my arse."

Hermione threw her shoe at the door as it slammed shut. Just then, for some completely inexplicable reason, the broken pendant around her neck (which was the only thing she was still wearing) began spinning and Hermione disappeared in a blindingly bright light.

When the light disappeared, the library was empty, but somewhere (in a future time and place) Draco Malfoy was getting a _much_-appreciated eyeful. Lord Voldemort was throwing a temper tantrum because he wouldn't get to see Fonzy jump the shark again.

***

Sirius was snickering to himself as he stood watch next to the castle's school doors, Peter propped up next to him. The full moon was out, and he was ready for the mother of all pranks.

Snape was muttering obscenities to himself as he stalked across the hall having come from the library. Sirius quickly swept the smile from his face and called out to him. "OY! SNIVELLUS! OVER HERE!"

Snape whipped around and saw Sirius waving towards him. He shot the Gryffindor a filthy look. "Sod Off, Black. I'm in a bad mood."

"Yeah? What else is new?" Black mumbled under his breath before smiling at Snape again. He said his next words quite clearly. "No, seriously, I've got something to tell you."

The Slytherin rolled his eyes before marching over to where Sirius and Peter were standing. He flipped the bird to the cardboard cutout before turning to regard Sirius. "What do you want, Black. This better be good."

"Oh, it is good." Sirius snickered momentarily as Snape arched a brow, then the animangus seemed to remember he was suppose to be-- oh you know-- INCONSPICUOUS. He cleared his throat and shrugged. "I just thought you might like to know where Remus goes once a month."

Snape's black eyes sparkled greedily. "Where he goes, ay?"

"Yep." Sirius nodded and lifted a hand in salute. "Scouts honor."

"Well, if it's by scout's honor then it must be genuine." Snape sneered before shaking his head sadly. It was amazing how thick these Gryffindors thought he was. "Unlike some people-" he looked pointedly at Peter, "my brain isn't made out of cardboard."

"Hey," Sirius growled, already reaching for his wand, "you leave Peter out of this, you grease ball."

"Riiiiiiight." Snape replied, sniffing disdainfully. "Why should I trust you? I hate you. You're my arch nemesis. PLUS, you stole my teddy on the train."

Sirius had the decency to look a bit sheepish. "Yeah, alright, the teddy bear thing was pretty mean. Sorry 'bout that."

"S'all right." Snape said briskly to hide the sudden tightness of his throat at the memory. Poor Mr. Snuffles, all alone in a Gryffindor dorm room since his first year. He took a deep breath and composed himself. "So, back to the plot, why should I trust you?"

"Oh, hmm…" Sirius seemed to give it a great deal of thought. Finally, he grinned. "Well, because I'm telling the truth."

Snape considered this and then shrugged. "Okay. Good enough for me. So, where's Lupin?"

"Well, you see…" And Sirius told him.

DUN DUN DUN

***

James, however, was suddenly having what is known as a 'moral dilemma'. He sat at a safe distance away from the Whomping Willow, cloaked in darkness, and generally feeling like a git.

He sighed heavily, as people often do in these types of situations-not that I would personally know having never plotted murder. Suddenly, there were two little pops next to both his ears. James gazed over and saw, to his amazement, a miniature shoulder angel on one side, and a shoulder devil on the other.

Now, that in itself is pretty freaking amazing, considering he hadn't done LSD in quite some time (hey, it is the 70s here), but even more amazing is they didn't look like miniature versions of himself. Instead, they looked like miniature versions of JK Rowling dressed up in Halloween costumes. Seriously, the angel's halo was made out of pipe cleaner, for goodness sakes.

"Woah." James said in an appropriately Keanu Reeves type style.

"Listen up, don't you let Sirius go through with this." Angel Jo told him, thrusting emphatically with her little plastic harp for emphasis. "If you do, not only will my spy be dead, but Remus will be thrown into Azkaban for murder, along side you and Sirius. So don't you do it, James. Stand up for what's right."

"Shut up. I'm sick you always telling me what I can and can't write. Do you think I care if the books are dark? There is a homicidal wizard on the loose and he likes to kill Muggles! If you want a namby pamby sort of story, write it yourself." The Jo devil proclaimed on his other side.

Needless to say, James was pretty confused at that outburst.

"HEY! Keep on task here!" Angel Jo groused, stomping her slippered foot angrily. "We're talking to James about not letting Snape die! Not those idiot parents who write in!"

"Oh." The Jo Devil laughed. "My mistake. Sorry. Alright, give me an extra month to think up something to say, hmm?"

"An extra month?!" Angel Jo shrilled next to James' ear, causing him to wince. "Snape will be DEAD by then."

"Yes, but all this pressure is too stressful. I need time to write." Jo Devil replied, shrugging in a completely unconcerned manner.

"I hate you." Angle Jo growled to her double. She then turned to James. "Since she's got nothing to add-"

"I didn't say that." Jo Devil hissed. "I said I needed time to think up a retort."

"We don't have time!" Angle Jo shrieked.

"Yeah, alright, let me wing it then." Jo Devil rolled her eyes and cleared her throat. "You should kill him because, well, he's a bastard. He hates you, he'll hate your son, and he even hates puppies. I mean, really, who hates puppies? They have to be sick and twisted people."

"Hmm." James nodded at that.

"He doesn't hate puppies." Angel Jo stated, bashing James over the head with her harp. "SAVE HIM!"

"Alright! Alright! Jeez." He rubbed the spot where the little plastic harp had connected with his skull.

Kind of a wimp- in'nt he?

"Our work here is done." Angel Jo proclaimed. "On to book six."

She and Jo Devil disappeared with a pop just as Snape was inching towards the knot that stopped the Willow's thrashing. James saw he already had a stick, and he was leaning out to poke it.

James stood up and started running just as Snape had pressed the knot. He saw the passage open, and the Slytherin crawl inside.

James' heart was thumping so wildly in his chest he thought it would burst out like a cannon upon the whale and--- er--- whoops. Point is he was pretty terrified. He didn't want that angel chick coming back and thwapping him good again. So, in Gryffindor bravado style, he leapt into the dark and scaaaaaaaaaaary tunnel.

Like I said, it was dark and scary in there. Sorta like being underground, since it was all dirt and roots hanging about and stuff like that. He could hear Snape ahead of him, outlined by a blue glow from his wand. James ran after him; sweat pouring in rivulets downs his face. He could hear the wolf scratching at the door on the far far far side, and the werewolf would be pretty damn hungry too. I mean, the pie at Hogwarts is good and all, but it doesn't quench that thirst for blood- if ya know what I'm saying.

Well, the drama and tension were building the closer Snape got. Horror music was playing in the background; along with a chh chh chhhh chh chh chhh sound fx from slasher movies. You're on the edge of your seat right? Wondering with every step they both take, will they be eaten? Will Remus become a murderer? Will Snape become prime cut meat?

Well, why the hell are you wondering? Have you not read book three? Honestly, this whole plot is rather pointless since you KNOW that they don't. But- ah well- we'll see it through to the end anyhow. It's your time to waste, after all. Not like you COULD be doing homework.

So, they're getting closer to the door, slasher music, the werewolf baying at the moon, and lots of ominous scratching noises. The door suddenly flies open, and then they see it. It being the horrible big scary werewolf that's all fangs and dripping saliva, not the killer clown from the Stephen King book/movie. Although, personally, I'd be way more afraid of the clown. But, this is Harry Potter-- not Stephen King, so it's just a big man eating wolf.

Snape screams, James grabs him and hauls serious ass. They can hear the werewolf running just behind them, practically breathing down their necks. At that moment, all James can think is get a friggen breath mint.

Oh yeah, and don't eat me. Cause, y'know, that would suck and all.

With Snape screaming like a girly girl and wetting his pants, James sees the opening and climbs out. He yanks Snape up through it with him at the last second, just as the door conveniently closes as the Werewolf is about to join them up top. All they hear is a loud 'thump' and a bit of groaning in pain before James continues to drag a very shaky and wet in the front of his trousers Slytherin back to the castle.

Told you they wouldn't get eaten.

***

Back in Dumbledore's office (notice this is the only time you will EVER see an adult at Hogwarts-even if McGonagall is hella cool and rocks my socks) Sirius, James, and cardboard Peter are listening to Snape rant and rave. Well, really, who could blame him? He's just pissed on himself after nearly getting eaten by a Werewolf for goodness sakes.

Dumbledore listens to Snape's hissy fit, sucking on his lemon sherbet/drop and blue eyes a-twinklin. He doesn't seem too concerned that his ickle Slytherin almost became puppy chow. He knows he's got that damned Junior Death Eater League decoder ring, and he's just headed for the big bad. Still, he's has to appear concerned, 'cause he's all 'non-biased' right?

"Well, I must say boys, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Dumbledore asks as soon as Snape collapses onto the floor. Apparently he forgot to breathe during his tirade.

James and Sirius do what they normally do in these types of situations. Look to Peter.

Peter just leans there against the bookcase and, well, just leans there really.

Dumbledore nods, however, since his mind is so omniscient he knows what Peter is trying to tell him. That, or he's simply gone barmy.

"I see. Yes. Well, I have to say, murder is never justifiable." Dumbledore says, in his wise old dude way.

There is silence again as Dumbledore appears to listen to Peter's retort.

"Hmm. Yes, good point. Good point." Dumbledore states, nodding sagely.

Snape, now conscious again, sits up on his elbow and glares. "What?! What the hell do you think he's saying?!"

"Peter says that if I do anything like, oh, send the boys to Azkaban for attempted murder-- or even suspend them-- that Remus' secret will be known. And since he is an innocent victim as much as you are-"

"WHAT?!" Snape bellows, interrupting the all-great-and-knowing Headmaster. "YOU'RE KIDDING ME! THAT WEREWOLF WAS IN IT FROM THE START!"

"No he wasn't!" Sirius shouts angrily, still peeved his ONE prank idea didn't go off as planned. Ah well, back to being beautiful again. "Remus had no idea!"

"Yeah, right, whatever." Snape grumbled.

Dumbledore cleared his throat, gaining attention again. "Well, the Harry Potter message boards seem to agree with that, or so Peter tells me. Besides, if the boys were thrown out of school, then the entire plot of Harry Potter would change. I, for one, am not willing to risk Jo's wrath. Are you Severus?"

Snape mumbled something about effing Potter and his effing son.

Dumbledore sighed dramatically. "I'm afraid the most I can do is detention."

Snape stared at him as if he had grown another head. "That is so [beep]ed up!"

Sirius and James chuckle before throwing each other a high five.

"Yes, well, what can you do?" Dumbledore asks, sighing again at the injustice of it all.

"NO! THAT IS REALLY [beep]ED UP!" Snape screamed, pounding a fist onto the desk. "I refuse to accept that!"

"Well, then you're really not going to like this…" Dumbledore watched as Snape's face seemed to drain of all color. Remember he isn't naturally pale you fan artists, he's sallow. "I'm going to force you to secrecy, Severus. About Remus and this night."

Snape began shaking in his terrible wrath. "Let me get this straight-" he hissed dangerously, "they get a bit of detention, for attempting my murder, and the Werewolf stays? AND I can't even TELL anyone that I nearly DIED tonight?"

Dumbledore beamed at Snape with pride. "My boy, with brains like those, I know you'll go far."

Snape, so infuriated, spoke his next words with a sort of deadly softness. "I will make you all pay for this. All of you. And your little dog too." He turned on his heel and swept out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Sirius sniffed the air and propped his feet up onto the desk. "Think that sets up our rivalry quite nicely, don't you agree?"

"Oh yes. As if it wasn't solid enough before." James added, taking a lemon sherbet/drop for himself.

***

The next day, Remus tried to apologize to Snape-but as you can imagine that didn't go very well. He ended up with his wand up an unmentionable place for his trouble. Needless to say, Remus saw the error of his arrogant ways and decided to become the calm, quiet, kind person he is today. Well, being calm and kind doesn't get wands shoved up unmentionable places, does it?

You all know what happens to everyone else. Snape eventually joins the Death Eaters after leaving Hogwarts, trading his Junior Death Eater League decoder ring in for a nice little tattoo of a skull with a snake for a tongue branded into his arm. He sees the errors of his ways, however, after he catches Voldemort watching taped episodes of Happy Days. Dumbledore may have failed to dispense justice, but at least he didn't have an unhealthy obsession with the Fonz.

James ends up marrying the love of his life Lily Evans in a very pretty outdoor ceremony. They then have a baby, Harry, and lead a pretty happy normal life. Till Voldemort shows up and kills them both because he really didn't have anything better to do since his VCR was in the shop. Well-- you know what happens to Harry from there.

Sirius Black remains James' best friend up until the Potter's death, when he is carted away to Azkaban for their murder, the murder of Peter, and that of a bunch of really stupid muggles milling about one afternoon. He enjoys moaning in misery and wiping his arse with scraps of the Daily Prophet while Female Dementors faint all around him until his break out.

And, last of all, cardboard cutout Peter Pettigrew leads an unassuming life until Voldemort turns him into a real boy so he can blab on the Potters. And you all wondered why he did it.

**THE END**

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Wo0t.


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